Deadpool sits in an ornate chair. The Queen's head sits beside him on a pike. He sips lightly from a glass of red wine. He pulls his mask back over his mouth and composes himself. Assume, that all of this is Deadpool.
Greetings, my puny subjects. As you've probably noticed, I've murdered the queen. Bitch wouldn't go easy, I had to take a hacksaw to 'er, and even then, that took three hours. So, you're probably wondering, "Why is this hunky mother [frick]er doing the Queen's speech this year?" The answer is simple, peasants. Because. I. Can.
Christmas is a time for giving and receiving. Not necessarily in a dirty way, though it helps, but in a warm and friendly way. The kind o' way that'll get you all fuzzy inside, y'know. The kind o' way that makes you want to throw a snowball at your douche bag neighbour's window. We've all been there. 'Cept, of course, I didn't use a snowball, I used a stick of dynamite! Bastard still wouldn't tell his kid to quit the drums. Know why? 'Cause he was dead, haha! See what I did there? I flipped that on you, ya pesky little [frick]ers.
What is love? ... Baby don't hurt me, don't hurt me, no more! Anyway back on topic: Christmas. I know times are tough, money's short, people are stealin' shit and killin' animals. Santa'll be lucky to have all the reindeer when he gets back to the North Pole, all the crazy people will've eaten 'em. By crazy people, of course I mean, you British folk out there. You guys eat pigeons for cryin' out loud. Ya know who eats pigeons in America? Hobos livin' in Times Square!
Anyway, they're tryin' to ram the door down, so I guess I'd best be on my way... actually, wait a minute. I have a gun.
(He pulls the Uzi from his holster and fires the entire magazine at the door. He stops and raises the gun's barrel.)
Anyway, where was I? Screw it, new topic: Stuffing the turkey! Now, if you're at home right now, which I'll assume you all are, and if you're not, you must really hate your [frick]in' families, then you're either cooking Christmas dinner, or eating it. If you're eatin' it, well done, I hope you choke on a bone you filthy little peasants. If you're cookin' it, listen up my pathetic little mongloidic subjects, don't stuff the turkey with actual stuffing. I saw an episode of EpicMealTime where they stuffed a turkey with a chicken, a pigeon, a quail and some other small bird, maybe a penguin! I recommend, you all do that, I'm sure you'd feed people much better.
What else... Oh yeah, whoever stole Bob's presents last year better give 'em back because I'm fed up of listenin' to 'im blame me about the whole situation. When you give 'em back, uh, just leave 'em with me so I can get back at 'im for blamin' me. (He leans into the camera). I'm gonna piss in the wrapping of every single one of 'em!
(The windows cave in and men heavily clad in body armour point M16s at Deadpool, who looks rather startled).
Well, I'm gonna be arrested now, have a very merry [frick]in' Christmas.
Alright you pommy [frick]s, get ready for a world of pain, 'cause I ain't goin' easy! (He draws his katanas and charges forward).
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About The Author:
I overthink pretty much anything to do with the MCU, but hey, we're allowed to speculate on these sorts of things right?